Larrick Haldo here, in the flesh…I think. The rats who fund this holozine got me an all expense paid trip to Nar Shaddaa to get the nitty-gritty on the galaxy's most depraved moon. And trust me, when someone who makes their living writing for a holozine called the Galactic Scum Slicker calls something depraved, it most certainly is. By the time I touched down on the ol’ Smuggler’s Moon, I was twitching something fierce. Maybe it was a mix of excitement and fear, or the fact that I’ve been on Lesai for the past two weeks and haven’t slept a wink. It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes before the first spice dealer asked me to pick my poison; I felt like a kid in a candy store. Fifteen hundred of this rags' credits later I found myself in a speeder making my way towards the Yocola Tonka. I’d heard the opening of this joint was quite the scene, but unfortunately when you find yourself so strung out on Yarrock and you're boxing a young Hutt in his prime to get your pants back, you’ve got little time to do much else.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Yocola Tonka. So I walk into this place, one eye twitching and wondering if the Gamorrean at the door is really that shade of pink or if the Glitterstim had kicked in, when I remembered why I loved this old rock. The music can be heard well down the block, and the bass makes your hair feel like it might vibrate straight out of your skull. Dancers are everywhere; they’re giggling, half naked while they carry trays of drinks and robbing unconscious tourists blind. It nearly brought a tear to my still-twitching eye. As a perpetually intoxicated Reporter, I have a duty to stay on top of the news when I feel like it. With tensions between the Sith and Republic ever on the rise, a lot of places align with one side or the other. Not here. They got a neutrality rule here, a kind of "touch not lest ye be touched” deal, though that may have had something to do with one of the back rooms. Either way, the place is neutral. No fighting in the cantina or everyone gets blown sky high. If this place wasn’t exciting enough for you before, let me tell you the tension is palpable.

Halfway through my fourth Reactor Core, I heard some kind of racket behind me. I turned around and a wall of Sith was standing nearly nose to nose with a herd of Jedi. One of the Sith jokers apparently grabbed some kid or electrocuted him or bought him a drink; I don’t really know what happened, but both sides weren’t happy. One of the security guys working there popped in to try and calm them all down. The guy was either getting paid a ton or has a death wish; those Sith look like they could beat you to death for thinking near them. So this security guard, Omasi or something, was trying to get these Forcers not to murder one another right then and there. You had people who were watching, trying to place bets on who was going to win or how long it would take the whole place to go up in a hail of blaster fire… it was electric. My blood was on fire, my heart was beating through my chest, and I must have sweat a gallon.

This is Larrick Haldo saying, "Shut up, and get to the Yocola Tonka before this war turns it into a crater."