The Upper Crust: Sabbatical Editions
Liquor Aficionado 

In last week's Upper Crust we briefly discussed some very basic rules to surviving the occasional encounter with the upper echelon of society. I hope you all learned something and applied it to your everyday lives, though I highly doubt any of you will be able to improve your stations based upon some simple guidelines. This week we go a slightly different direction. I present to you a quick guide to fine liquor from around the galaxy.

The most famous of the fine vintages is of course the Corellian makes of whiskey. This is a topic I have discussed in a little depth from my Corellian edition of the travelogue. However, there is Corellian whiskey and then there is 200 year old Whyren Reserve Corellian Whiskey aged in Worshyyr casks. If you ever find yourself lucky enough to stumble upon a glass or are privileged enough to be invited to the whiskey cellar on my estate, you will be in for a treat like nothing your simpleton tongues have ever experienced. This is the crème de la crème of potent potables.

Corellia may have the best distilleries in the galaxy, but they are not the only crafters of fine liquor. Menkooro Whiskey is a popular interstellar whiskey with a reddish hue and a delightfully peaty finish. Though from an unknown origin, it is often thought to be most likely from Naboo or a planet with a similar swampy climate. It is best complimented by bruallki, a herding game animal that produces a simply delightful cut of meat. Menkooro can be thoroughly enjoyed on its own as well if necessary.

Now I am all too aware that the great majority of you will never even get to see these two selections, let alone actually taste them. I assure you I have not forgotten your plight. If you are on a budget, you may consider trying Dodbri Whiskey. It is a cheap and widely distributed spirit that, quite honestly, tastes like shit. It is, however, quite potent, allowing you to drink away the memories of your life lived in squalor and giving you the opportunity to stumble about drunkenly making a fool of yourself. A wildly effective tool for the working classes.

I genuinely hope this brief guide to liquor was enlightening, May your glasses always be full, even if your skulls are mostly empty. Until next time.

Reynala Kodaigo (as Ozukal) Brother mine, you have Whyen's Reserve? How about I crash there some day when it's convenient for...
Pellinore Arr, but by fault, if our glasses are full, are skulls are sloshing aroung with all sorts of stuff, Sir. I have yet to b...
Saam Zolak Nothing on Ales? or Wines? I'm very disappointed. I actually didn't know and Dodbri or Menkooro so good to lea...

The Upper Crust: Sabbatical Editions
Maneuvering the Political Landscape

In this week's Crust, I was going to regale you with stories of my many endeavours as a diplomat for the Dark Council. I have since decided that this is right out and most of you wouldn't have the slightest chance of fathoming just exactly how incredible my accomplishments are. As such, I will instead begin to clue you in on how to properly carry yourself in Sith space among the people who matter most, namely not you. I now present a short guide on not looking like an ass in front of the privileged.

The first step to not looking like an ass is to dress accordingly. I cannot suggest dressing above your station, that could lead to awkward social situations and is quite honestly unbecoming. If you are a soldier in the Imperial Armies, by all means wear a uniform, preferably one free of grime or stains. A dress uniform would be optimal as camouflage and body armor will tend to make you look like a sloth. If you are not a service man or woman, buy yourself a nice set of robes or a pleasant looking dress. Even a decent pair of trousers can set you apart from the unwashed masses you managed to fight and claw yourself away from to get the opportunity to rub elbows with the social elite. Do not forget a lovely pair of boots and perhaps some headwear and you will have completed the wardrobe and passed step one.
Nebu'la You sound like a droid... are you a droid? Guards, have this droid dismantled and its memory wiped. (( ))
Telden ((Posted as Zilvrae)) Thank you for choosing not to regale us with stories of your diplomatic endeavors. I find fiction...
Reynala Kodaigo Ozukal: So what's wrong about smelling like someone else's blood? I thought it was perfume. Oh, someone must ...

The Upper Crust
Sabbatical Edition

As some of you may have noticed, I have been away. I am currently on sabbatical. However, the media conglomerate for which I write seems to not understand the meaning of "sabbatical." It is a smart person word for vacation. Now that I have clarified that, perhaps I will be able to resume my sabbatical. I was unaware that I needed to speak as a commoner in order to be understood properly. In any case, my bosses felt as though I needed to provide something for my readers so here it is. I present to you a history lesson. Perhaps you will all learn something... oh frag all, you won't learn a damn thing. You will probably move on to the next article after you see the word history. I would be shocked if any of you imbeciles are even still reading at this point. I now present to you this week's Upper Crust: The History of the Sith. I am sure none of you will feel the least bit edified.

Darth Malak was born Alek with the surname Squinquargesimus which was actually the name of his village of birth. After he escaped the barbaric Mandalorian sacking of his home world, the Republic chose to bestow upon him that last name as few real records survived from his planet of origin. He was soon discovered to be Force Sensitive and was trained by the Jedi Council, eventually attaining the mantle of Knight. Blah, blah, there were hugs and kisses and peace signs and all sorts of other rubbish, except of course for Alek since the foolish Jedi chose to forgo any sort of emotional attachment in favor of being bland and boorish. 

Soon after achieving Knighthood, Alek and his friend Revan wisely decided to ignore the decree of the Jedi Council and join in the Mandalorian Wars. They fought for many years and eventually the Mandalorian push was halted and then turned back. Victorious, they began to seek out evil in the galaxy and ended up on the doorstep of a powerful Sith Lord who manged to defeat and turn the pair of them. This is the point when Alek gave up his old name and past, accepted the title of Lord, and changed his name to Malak.
Vaanthe a Interesting.. but I like the humor.
Reynala Kodaigo (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA) Ozukal: Words. Brother, why do you always have to use so many damned words?
Telden ((Posted as Zilvrae)) I hadn't realized the author was a comedy writer. Still, his humor could use some work.

The Upper Crust: My Favorite Things
A sophisticated guide to the galaxy
Instalment 6

The Affiliated Imperial Networks would like to extend an apology for the live and unstoppable outburst of Lord Commodus Gaivs Aurelius Germanicus last week. The views of the personalities on our family of broadcasting networks do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of the networks themselves or any staff herein. Now back to a normal, pre-screened edition of The Upper Crust. Thank You.

The secretary called my name and I stood up to acknowledge the announcement. I was led down a dingy hall with flickering lights past several positively filthy rooms, a few containing patients whom, judging from the pitch and volume of their screams, had not been given quite enough anesthetic before their procedure began. The last door on the left was mine. I entered just as the "doctor” was finishing up his last snort of cheap giggledust. He greeted me cordially, but then began laughing nearly uncontrollably. It would be safe to assume that this was not his first nose-full for the evening. 

I sat down carefully on the examination table and he began to explain the procedure. It seems that they have "donor faces” that they acquire through unscrupulous means and attach said face after carefully removing your own flesh. For a healthy additional charge, they will kidnap a street thug and affix your face to them for that extra bit of security. He then reached for a large needle and asked if I was ready to proceed. I tried to explain that I was an interviewer, not a patient, but he did not seem to understand what I was trying to get at. Luckily my lightsaber is also quite good at making points. Needless to say, a new donor face is now available along with donor arms, donor legs and a few other bits and pieces that managed to avoid utter destruction. The wait time for an appointment is unfortunately a tad longer now. The clinic recently became short staffed.
Reynala Kodaigo Ozzie: One of my favorite places, next to Balmorra. If they could only have a sector with the lovely scent of explosive...

A Very Special Upper Crust: Live from Tatooine
A sophisticated guide to the galaxy
Installment 5

Rage besets me. I cannot begin to express the utter malice and contempt I feel right now and that malice is directed at a select few people. May they rue the day that they began to open their mouths and may the Gods have mercy on the tattered shreds of existence they no doubt cling to. I am currently on Tatooine in production for an upcoming edition of The Upper Crust in which I suffer the indignities of a common sand dwelling buffoon. I immediately halted recording and told my crew that we needed to prepare for a live feed in less than an hour which brings me to this moment in time. I was taking a break between segments and catching up on some news around the galaxy when I stumbled upon this sad and pathetic excuse for breaking news: "Imperial Army in Disarray As Emperor Falls," brought to us by the crack team of backwater morons at the Tatooine News Network. This may be one of the few times that words fail me, but I shall press on nonetheless. 

I cannot fathom what editor in their right mind could  have ever given their stamp of approval to such an inflammatory and insensitive piece, not to mention that at best there was minimal fact checking. They did manage to confirm that an Emperor rules over the Empire, which is roughly were the truth ends and a potpourri of slanderous lies begins. In fact, I have reason to believe the exact opposite of what the title states. That the Empire is planning something special as we speak. How can an Imperially-controlled system think they have any right whatsoever to release this kind of hate inducing slag and not expect a significant fallout from its viewership? I, for one, know that I am outraged and I am not alone. The reporter in question barely had the wherewithal to articulate complete sentences and I am not sure whom they think they spoke with, but I can assure all that a servant of the Emperor's Hand would not be caught dead issuing even an anonymous statement or they would likely be found dead in the near future. This sort of rubbish is reporting at its worst and I for one will not tolerate it in any form. 
Azhandris "Well then, that was quite a wall of slander and hate-speech yourself, Commodus. The Hero of Tython must have p...

The Upper Crust: 
A sophisticated guide to the galaxy
Instalment 5: Nar Shaddaa

I awoke in my luxury suite the next morning with my memories being a bit cloudy at best. And my clothing more than a little wrinkled. Piecing the clues together I discovered that I had stayed at the casino well into the morning and managed to lose a significant sum of credits in the process. I pride myself on being an excellent gambler, but the odds catch up to us all occasionally. This does, however, allow me to talk about the single most important contribution the Hutts have made to Nar Shaddaa: religion.

There is only one God worshiped on this particular moon and that would be the almighty credit. It is what makes the lunar body continue to circumvent its parent planet. It can be seen on every street corner in the form of the poor beggar with his mandivol case splayed before him, a poignant metaphor for his own outstretched and expecting hands. It can be seen in the bars on the promenade with their overpriced and custom made luxury cocktails. It can be seen behind the eyes of every man, woman and child of sentient descent on the cold rock's surface, the look of greed and desire. A not so subtle reminder that you need one hand on your credit chits at all times or you are in danger of losing them. I decided to head out and do one of my least favorite things in all of the galaxy: commune with the people.
Reynala Kodaigo Ozzie: "Finally getting that mole removed? Those bug-infested areas are the fun places, brother mine. No one ca...

The Upper Crust:
A sophisticated guide to the galaxy
Instalment 4: Nar Shaddaa; A Hutt by any other name...

As my ship docked in its usual private hangar, I had a sense of coming home. For once a place that I understood and that understood me. I would need no guides or handlers. The people, the culture, the lights and smells. I truly was in my comfort zone. As I stepped out of the starport and into the city proper, the prostitutes began making outlandish promises that I would never let them attempt to fulfill. I knew I was where I belonged. I was on Nar Shaddaa.

There are few places in this galaxy that wear the mantle of excess and villainy as well as the Hutt controlled smugglers moon of Nar Shaddaa. It is a small satellite that is completely overrun by urban sprawl... delicious urban sprawl that swallows all in its path and more often than not, shits them out on a dark and filthy curb much worse than the condition than which they started the day. Whether your vice is liquor, spice, gambling or sex, there is more than enough of it on this rock to sate even the most hedonistic of sentients. Often derided as a wretched hive of overindulgence, occasionally lauded for its gangster like overlords, and usually frequented by both creatures who want to be seen and creatures who would rather like to vanish, the moon has its share of secrets and lies to go with its glittering lights and loud raucous atmosphere. I hope to bring you into the seedy underbelly of this destination and come out no worse for wear. A singularly exceptional feat, if I may be bold enough to say so.
Reynala Kodaigo Ozzie: I love that place more than even a battlefield with all of the glorious scents of blood and bombs. Where else ca...
Telden I've made the Nar Shaddaa run more times than I've bothered to count. Lots of freight goes there, ya know. No...

The Upper Crust: 
A sophisticated guide to the galaxy.
Instalment 3: Corellia, a Culmination

As I awoke the next morning, I discovered several missed holocalls. I was expected to meet Adson for breakfast at a local Bistro and had instead slept in, or rather off, the effects of a particularly strong bottle of special reserve the night before. When I finally did connect with Adson he seemed quite upset and kept rambling about being behind schedule. We quickly headed towards a distillery for what was to be my favorite part of the trip by far. A behind the scenes tour or how they make Corellian Whiskey.

The distillery was rather large and each floor was dedicated to another vintage. The top floor housed my personal favorite, the whiskey that was being aged in barrels of wroshyr wood. The wood, native to Kashyyyk, creates a truly one-of-a-kind flavor in the spirit, a somewhat earthy and lush taste. If you really savor the potable in your mouth, you can almost taste the enslavement of the indigenous Wookies... and it tastes a little bittersweet, and wonderful. I made sure to take samples on all of the floors though and came away thoroughly enjoying my tour.

Adson took the liberty of  booking passage for us to the resort town of Kor Vella to the west. I dressed and headed to the lobby to meet with my overly eager handler. He expressed concern that we would miss the public transport, so I decided to resolve the problem immediately. I contacted a few old friends in the area and managed to secure a privately chartered luxury yacht. Adson was going to learn eventually that I don't wait for things; things should wait for me.
Telden ((as Zilvrae)) It would be a truly patriotic act for our Empire if this witless fop were to visit Hoth next, and stay t...
Reynala Kodaigo Ozukal: "Dear brother mine. Perhaps they got the hunting grounds and Kor Vella mixed up a bit? Would have impr...

The Upper Crust: 
A sophisticated guide to the galaxy.
Installment 2: Corellia Continued

I awoke the next morning earlier than I would have liked. It seems that Adson took the liberty of having a wake-up call scheduled without my knowledge. I dressed in appropriate robes and descended to the lobby where Adson was already waiting rather impatiently. It seemed that he had arranged a tour of the Corellian Arms Factory... no small task, considering who I was and what I helped to do to that particular business in my past. We arrived and I was, not so politely, ushered into a side room of the main entrance. There I was scanned repeatedly for audio recording devices, holorecorders, and countless other devices used for skullduggery. After having convinced the security that I was, indeed, thoroughly free of covert electronics, I was allowed to enter the facility proper. 

It was quite grand. A series of manufacturing bots all working together in harmony to create every facet of the very armaments the Republic equips their troopers and agents with. Beyond the manufacturing floor was a lovely courtyard in which many of the employees appeared to be taking lunch. I did notice a rather high number of alien workers. I assume that they keep overhead down during troubled times by paying less qualified workers a significantly reduced salary. It is nice to see shrewd business practices as such by a very pro-Republic organization. I was then taken to the office complex to meet the CEO of the Corellian Arms Factory. He was a nice enough individual, although it was obvious to me that I made him highly uncomfortable. I made sure to crowd his personal space to amplify the trepidation in him... old habits die hard. Lastly, I was presented with a brand new TH-17 blaster rifle. Adson told me it was for our next stop of the day.
Reynala Kodaigo Ozzie: They wanted you to do what like a common gameskeeper? And you never went hunting for sport because you had your n...
Vaanthe a Hm, I had tze idea that nerfs could be so interesting a hunt... (This is a great article! Very informative.)
Elza Kincaid Patience is a virtue, darling. Perhaps next time you would do well to only jolt each nerf instead of cooking them from t...

The Upper Crust: 
A sophisticated guide to the galaxy.
Instalment 1: Coronet City, Corellia

I am Lord Commodus Gaius Aurelius Germanicus. A nobleman of Dromund Kaas and a former diplomat for the Dark Council abroad. In my previous role, I was able to see and experience much of what this galaxy has to offer. Since retirement does not suit me, I have decided to go back as a tourist, not a political figure, and write about the things I see and do and eat and drink. This is The Upper Crust, a travel guide for the truly elite members of Imperial society.

Why I ever agreed to take the transportation of a commoner is beyond me. The shuttle to Corellia was overbooked, stuffy, crowded, smelly, and abhorrent. Overall it was easily one of the worst experiences in my entire life. My robes were instantly destined for the incinerator and I had to scald my flesh to remove that pungent odor... oh Gods the odor. The old man crammed next to me didn't even know who I was. I was never meant to suffer the indignities of the working class. 
The Eski I got in a Lum drinking contest once. The results were . . . magnificent. By the end of it we were all totally out of ou...
Reynala Kodaigo Ozzie: "My brother has gone insane. Why would you allow such indignities when you can get Corellian Whiskey any...
Traitine Great story! I had totally forgot about lum. +1 for choosing Corellia for your first trip.
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